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Sunday, March 22, 2009

Stimulus Explained

This is an important subject for the entirety Klal Yisroel. The economy affects everyone. My friend Bonnie Slotnick sent the following to my wife, Annie. It is a must read primer on the what it is and what to do with it. - HM

This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV Set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how best to help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs. If you purchase a computer it will go to India. If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic). If you buy a car it will go to Japan. If you purchase useless garbage it will go to Taiwan.

If you pay your credit cards off, it will go to bank management bonuses and they will hide if offshore. Same with stock investment.

Instead, you can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spending it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only American businesses still operating in the US.

Friday, March 20, 2009

With Friends Like These...

The blog, Circus Tent is run by the son of an old Chicago acquittance of mine. This fellow is a Lubavitcher although his parents are not. About a year ago when I was writing about some of the problems I saw with Lubavitch. He contacted me and we discussed the issues involved

In the course of those private discussions we became friends and he revealed his identity to me. But now I am beginning to wonder just what this friendship really means. In yesterday's guest post I was viciously attacked. And the comments that followed were even worse. Here is my comment back to him:

My, my my.

This is quite revealing. I didn't know there was so much 'love and understanding' by your friends about me. Except for one or two rather gallant defenders, almost every other comment was completely vile.

And you Mr. 'Tzig' (alias of the blog-owner) allowed this drivel?! You forget that I know who you are. And I could easily expose you. But don't worry, I won't do that.

I have never written one negative word about you nor would I even consider allowing others to do so. But you not only allowed it - you allowed unbelievably nasty comments to be made.

I have not written anything negative about Lubavitch in many months since there has been nothing to write about. But that doesn't stop Mr. Gurewicz from writing a most hateful essay.

I don't know where all his hate comes from. Maybe it's because I chided him a while back about sending his daughter to the Meshichist high school here in Chicago - I don't know. But I will be sure to mention this to him next time I see him in the Lubavitch Shul here - Bnei Reuven where I Daven twice a day as the Shaliach Tzibur.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

25 Phrases Of Wisdom

From my Friend Steve Katz:

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make someone a Christian any more than going to a garage makes them a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19.. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.