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Friday, June 19, 2009

Who wants to Marry a Boro Park Millionaire?

Guuest Post by Scoogie spin genius Martin Bodek

Good evening New York daters and welcome to 'Who Wants to Marry a Boro Park Millionaire?'
I'm your host, Martin Bodek.

We only have 5 contestants because the other 5 got stuck in Boro Park traffic
behind some hocker who triple-parked his Lexus on 13th avenue.

So let's introduce the remaining 5:

Noote Naftooleh Feinshmecker from Boro Park!
Chezkiyohee Leepeh Yom Tov Yoel Hausbucher from Williamsburg!
Avrohom Mendel Farshleptekrenk from Monsey!
Yechiel Alter Nuchem Wheelstolease from Sea Gate!
Patrick O'Brien from Boston, Massachusetts!

Now that you've met our contestants, it's time for the fastest finger question!:
Put these Jewish vacation spas & resorts in order of fancy-shmanciest to filthiest rat-infested dirtpile:

A) The Homowack
B) The Tamarack
C) The Concord
D) The Nevele

The answer in correct order is:

A) The Concord (.4 cockroaches per square foot).
B) The Nevele (1.3 ants per square inch).
C) The Homowack (2.7 termites per square centimeter).
D) The Tamarack (17.9 writhing maggots per square millimeter).

And the winner is - Noote Naftooleh Feinshmecker!

Come on down, you're the next contestant on The Price is...oops, wrong game show.

MB: So Nooteh Naftooleh, what do you do for a living?
NN: I enter game shows, play the lotto, and I'm Publisher's Clearing House most gullible customer.

MB: You think you're gonna support my daughter making a...oops, bad date-interview flashback, anyway, are you ready to marry a Boro Park Millionaire?

NN: Yes, I am, Martin!
MB: Okay then, for $100, here's the question:

1. What exactly are chasidim?

A) Disciples of the teachings and traditions of the heiligeh Baal Shem Tov, Zatzal.
B) Those guys from ZZ Top.
C) A recently discovered lost Indian tribe.
D) Litvaks.

NN: I would have to say A, Martin.

MB: Is that your final answer?
NN: Yes.
MB: Your absolute final answer?
NN: Yes.
MB: Your absolutely finally final finale answer?
NN: Want me I should smack you?MB: No, because you are CORRECT!
NN: Yay.
MB: And now, for $200, here it is:

2. What exactly are Litvaks?

A) Anyone caught within a 3 mile radius of Chaim Berlin.
B) Anyone caught within a 30 mile radius of Lakewood.
C) Anyone caught within a 300 mile radius of Lithuania.
D) Yeshivish people.

NN: I would say D.
MB: Is that your final answer?
NN: Yes.
MB: You're sure?
NN: Want me I should call the Shomrim on you?
MB: Not necessary, because you are CORRECT!
NN: Yay.

MB: Now for $300, here it is:

3. 'Takeh epes gradeh b'di-eved l'choirah gevaldig tzigedacht' is an example of what?

A) Severe head trauma,
B) A drunken stupor.
C) An incurable stutter.
D) Yeshivishe reid.

NN: That would be D.
MB: Is that your final answer?
NN: YES!
MB: CORRECT! And bli ayin horah you still have all your lifelines intact!

So for $500, here we go:

4. What is the most popular underwear for chasidim?

A) Boxers.
B) Briefs.
C) Boxer-briefs.
D) Rabeinu Taam Gatches.

NN: That one's easy, D
MB: You're RIGHT! Was that your final answer?
NN: You're getting on my nerves.
MB: It's my job! Now then, here it comes for $1,000:

5. What is the typical way a Boro Parker starts a conversation?

A) Whazzzzzzzzzzzzzzup?
B) HaYOOdoin??
C) Como esta?
D) Nu, so tell me something.

NN: I would say the answer is D.
MB: Is that your fina-
NN: YES! And it's interesting, most of the answers are D.
MB: That's because I have to set up the punchline.

Now for $2,000, here it comes!:

6. How do you say the word 'cucumber' in Yiddish?

A) Kartofel
B) Tzibileh
C) Igerkeh
D) Gebeks

NN: A is Potato(e)s, B is onions, D is cake, so Igerkeh must mean 'Cucumber'
Final answer.

MB: Would that be your final answer?
NN: Didn't I just say that?
MB: Oh, you did. Sorry. And you're right!

Now for $4,000, here it is:

7. Which of the following is NOT a Yiddish word?

A) Ibergebliben.
B) Nechtigentoog.
C) Rishvoolkeh.
D) Hoisentrageh.

NN: That's a trick question! Nechtigentoog is TWO words! Aha! Gotcha! My answer is B.

MB: Good thinking, Naftooleh! You are absolutely diddly doodly final answerly correct!
NN: I'm gonna shoot you when this game is over.
MB: Is that a threat?
NN: Yes.
MB: You think you could take me?
NN: Yes.
MB: You want a piece of me?
NN: SHOMRIM!
MB: No wait! I'll behave!

Okay, for $8,000, here it is:

8. What imaginary creation do Boro Parkers believe in that the rest of humanity does not?

A) Santa Claus.
B) The tooth fairy.
C) Leprechauns.
D) The eiruv.

NN: I would have to say the answer is D.
MB: Your answer is D
NN: My answer is D.
MB: Not A, B, or C?
NN: Not A, B, or C.
MB: So it's D as in doughnut? As in disaster? As in.....
NN: CHAPTZ EM!
MB: Okay, okay, that's the last time I annoy you.

Now for $16,000, here it comes:

9. What is NOT the correct definition of the word Nissan?

A) The first month of the Jewish new year.
B) The manufacturer of the Maxima.
C) The Yiddish plural of the word 'nuts'.?
D) A Jewish first name.

NN: Hmmmm, this looks like another trick question. I'll say 'A' because the first month of the year is Nissan, but the first month of the NEW year is Tishrei. Almost got me there.
MB: You're absolutely right!
NN: Pshew!

MB: Now for $32,000, here you go:

10. What are the real names of Bob Dylan, George Burns, Kirk Douglas, & Mel Brooks?

A) Bob Dylanovitch, Joel Bernstein, Isidore Hoffman, & Melvin Brookman.
B) Robert Zimmerman, Nathan Birnbaum, Isser Demsky, & Melvin Kaminsky.
C) Bernie Dylman, Jacob Birnbaum, Kirk Levitch, & Martin Brookstein.
D) Robert Zimmer, Nathan Burns, Israel Kubelsky, & Milton Cohen.

NN: Oy vey iz mir. Okay, let me think about this for a minute. This is a tough one.
MB: Is that your final answer?
NN: I'm going to ignore that.
MB: You know you still haven't used any of your lifelines.
NN: When I'm done with you, YOU'LL be begging for a lifeline!

Now I think I heard somewhere that Dylan's real name is Zimmerman, so I'm guessing B

MB: It's a good guess! And you win $32,000! Now for $64,000, here it comes:

11. Why did the Lubavitcher cross the road?

A) To get to the other side.
B) To avoid the treif Brooklyn Museum of Art on his way to 770.
C) To be mikarev the chicken.
D) Why not?

NN: As we all know, any Jewish question can be answered with 'Why not'? D is my final answer.
MB: It's a good one! You win $64,000! Are you ready for the next question?
NN: Yes I am, Martin!
MB Then here we go for $125,000!:

12. Where does the term 'Yeki' come from?

A) Spanish Jews of old were Yak herders, hence, 'Yeki'
B) It is the Hungarian term for 'Jew.
C) German Jews were the first to wear short jackets, Yeki' means 'Jacketpeople'.?
D) 'Yeki' is an old version of a Jewish 'Krechtz,' much like 'Oy'.

NN: Would you believe this was discussed at a shiur I went to last week? I think the answer is C.
MB: Hey Nooteh.
NN: Yuh?
MB: You're right!
NN: Hooha! Yoy, I'm getting nervous now.
MB: You better be! Because here comes the $250,000 question!:

13. Approximately how many chasidim live in the entire New York City area?

A) 34,000.
B) 98,000.
C) 165,000.
D) 283,000.

NN: The answer is C, Martin.
MB: How do you know that?
NN: I did some quick math.. I know about half the Chasidim here, so I just doubled the number!
MB: Well, your math is good, you win $250,000!

And here is your $500,000 question!:

14. Why do Jews 'vinch' for people to live 120 years?

A) Because Moshe Rabeinu lived 120 years.
B) Because Rabbi Akiva lived 120 years.
C) Because Noah's Ark took 120 years to build.
D) Why not?

NN: You're not going to get me with the 'Why not' question. The actual answer, I believe, is C.
MB: Are you sure? What's your reasoning?
NN: The dor hamabel was given 120 years for teshuva. We vinch our friends that time to do the same.
MB: You know, this game show started out funny and is suddenly turning into an intellectual discourse. Not only that, you're absolutely right!

And finally, here we go, here it is, here it comes. For $1,000,000!:

15. What exactly ARE the 'Five Town'?

A) Bell Harbor, Lawrence, Atlantic Beach, Inwood, Woodmere.
B) Far Rockaway, Inwood, Lawrence, Hempstead, Hewlet.
C) Plainview, estbury.
D) Hewlet, Woodmere, Lawrence, Cedarhurst, Inwood.Lawrence, Cedarhurst, Woodmere, W

NN: Oy vey! I have no idea! I think I'm going to use a lifeline. I'm going to poll the audience.
MB: Ok then, audience, using your clicker thingie, choose which answer you think is correct.
NN:
MB: Okay, and here are the results of the audience poll!:

A) 25%
B) 25%
C) 25%
D) 25%

NN: Oy gevalt. I need another lifeline. I'd like to phone my chaver, Yankel Shmeel Kollelmasmid.

MB: Okay, let's see if our friends from AT&T can find Yankel.

AT&T: Ring ring!

MB: Hello Yankel?

YS: Who is this?

MB: It's Martin Bodek, from 'Who Wants to Marry a Boro Park Millionaire'?

YS: Voos hertz zich?

MB: Ales gitz, your friend Nooteh Naftooleh is stuck on a million dollar question and needs your help.
YS: Tell him I'm in middle of a shvereh mishneh and I have no time.
MB: But he's depending on you!
YS: Too bad, Torah is the iker.
NN: I'm going to kill him, but before I do that, I'm going to take the 50/50.
MB: Okay computer, please take away 2 of the wrong answers, leaving two correct:

A)
B) Far Rockaway, Inwood, Lawrence, Hempstead, Hewlet.
C)
D) Hewlet, Woodmere, Lawrence, Cedarhurst, Inwood.

NN: I'm going to have to guess.'D.'
MB: D?
NN: D.?
MB: D - bist gerecht! You get to marry a Boro Park Millionaire!
NN: Woohoo!
MB: Shprintzy Krasi Roizy Genendel Teitelbaum, meet your new chosson!

NN: It's love at first sight!

MB: But she's hideous!

NN: Who says money can't buy love?

MB: Darva Conger and Rick Rockwell!

NN: But their marriage is getting annulled. Yiden can't do that.
MB: Oh, well good luck then! And there you have it folks.