Monday, July 13, 2009

Classic Insults by Classic People

Got this in an e-mail. It is hilarious:

There was a time when words were used beautifully

These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued -- before a great portion of the English language was boiled down to four-letter words!

1. The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband, I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd take it."

2. Gladstone, a member of Parliament, to Benjamin Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "On whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

3. "He had delusions of adequacy." – Walter Kerr

4. "She has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

5. "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." – Winston Churchill

6. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow

7. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

8. "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

9. "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

10. "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

11. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

12. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

13 "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play. Bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

14. "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one!" - Winston Churchill, in response.

15. "I feel so miserable without you. It's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

16. He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

17. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

18. "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

19. "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -Jack E. Leonard

20. "He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

21. "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

22. "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

23. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

24. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
25. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

26. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."- Oscar Wilde

27. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support, rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

28. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

29. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

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