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Thursday, July 30, 2009

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

Sent by my friend Steve Katz (Pictured with his lovely wife Ellie)
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run-anywhere.
04. People call at 9 PM and ask,"did I wake you?"
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

Monday, July 27, 2009

Top Ten Signs Your Rabbi was Indicted Yesterday:

Several people sent me the following list. I only laugh when it hurts!

10 Suddenly takes on minhag to wear hat on face
9 Synagogue Charity Auction now includes "Kidney"
8 Unless you work in criminal defense, you ain't getting Shlishi
7 Rebbetzin is suddenly on Jdate
6 Afternoon Halacha Shiur now entitled: "Ankle Monitors on Shabbat"
5 Will be spending the rest of the summer "upstate"
4 Sermon comes in form of an Affadavit
3 Keeps tying everything to an obscure "Yosef in Jail" metaphor
2 Pretty sure he just referred to Bernie Madoff as "Shlita"
1 He's still wearing Black & White, only this time, it's all stripes

Monday, July 13, 2009

Classic Insults by Classic People

Got this in an e-mail. It is hilarious:

There was a time when words were used beautifully

These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued -- before a great portion of the English language was boiled down to four-letter words!

1. The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband, I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd take it."

2. Gladstone, a member of Parliament, to Benjamin Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "On whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

3. "He had delusions of adequacy." – Walter Kerr

4. "She has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

5. "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." – Winston Churchill

6. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow

7. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

8. "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

9. "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

10. "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

11. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

12. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

13 "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play. Bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

14. "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one!" - Winston Churchill, in response.

15. "I feel so miserable without you. It's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

16. He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

17. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

18. "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

19. "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -Jack E. Leonard

20. "He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

21. "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

22. "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

23. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

24. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
25. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

26. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."- Oscar Wilde

27. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support, rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

28. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

29. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx