Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

Sent by my friend Steve Katz (Pictured with his lovely wife Ellie)

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run-anywhere.
04. People call at 9 PM and ask,"did I wake you?"
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

Top Ten Signs Your Rabbi was Indicted Yesterday:

Several people sent me the following list. I only laugh when it hurts!

10 Suddenly takes on minhag to wear hat on face
9 Synagogue Charity Auction now includes "Kidney"
8 Unless you work in criminal defense, you ain't getting Shlishi
7 Rebbetzin is suddenly on Jdate
6 Afternoon Halacha Shiur now entitled: "Ankle Monitors on Shabbat"
5 Will be spending the rest of the summer "upstate"
4 Sermon comes in form of an Affadavit
3 Keeps tying everything to an obscure "Yosef in Jail" metaphor
2 Pretty sure he just referred to Bernie Madoff as "Shlita"
1 He's still wearing Black & White, only this time, it's all stripes

And Now a Word from our Sponsor

Classic Insults by Classic People

Got this in an e-mail. It is hilarious:

There was a time when words were used beautifully

These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued -- before a great portion of the English language was boiled down to four-letter words!

1. The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband, I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd take it."

2. Gladstone, a member of Parliament, to Benjamin Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "On whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

3. "He had delusions of adequacy." – Walter Kerr

4. "She has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

5. "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." – Winston Churchill

6. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow

7. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

8. "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

9. "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

10. "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

11. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

12. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

13 "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play. Bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

14. "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one!" - Winston Churchill, in response.

15. "I feel so miserable without you. It's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

16. He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

17. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

18. "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

19. "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -Jack E. Leonard

20. "He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

21. "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

22. "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

23. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

24. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
25. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

26. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."- Oscar Wilde

27. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support, rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

28. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

29. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Who wants to Marry a Boro Park Millionaire?

Guuest Post by Scoogie spin genius Martin Bodek

Good evening New York daters and welcome to 'Who Wants to Marry a Boro Park Millionaire?'
I'm your host, Martin Bodek.

We only have 5 contestants because the other 5 got stuck in Boro Park traffic
behind some hocker who triple-parked his Lexus on 13th avenue.

So let's introduce the remaining 5:

Noote Naftooleh Feinshmecker from Boro Park!
Chezkiyohee Leepeh Yom Tov Yoel Hausbucher from Williamsburg!
Avrohom Mendel Farshleptekrenk from Monsey!
Yechiel Alter Nuchem Wheelstolease from Sea Gate!
Patrick O'Brien from Boston, Massachusetts!

Now that you've met our contestants, it's time for the fastest finger question!:
Put these Jewish vacation spas & resorts in order of fancy-shmanciest to filthiest rat-infested dirtpile:

A) The Homowack
B) The Tamarack
C) The Concord
D) The Nevele

The answer in correct order is:

A) The Concord (.4 cockroaches per square foot).
B) The Nevele (1.3 ants per square inch).
C) The Homowack (2.7 termites per square centimeter).
D) The Tamarack (17.9 writhing maggots per square millimeter).

And the winner is - Noote Naftooleh Feinshmecker!

Come on down, you're the next contestant on The Price is...oops, wrong game show.

MB: So Nooteh Naftooleh, what do you do for a living?
NN: I enter game shows, play the lotto, and I'm Publisher's Clearing House most gullible customer.

MB: You think you're gonna support my daughter making a...oops, bad date-interview flashback, anyway, are you ready to marry a Boro Park Millionaire?

NN: Yes, I am, Martin!
MB: Okay then, for $100, here's the question:

1. What exactly are chasidim?

A) Disciples of the teachings and traditions of the heiligeh Baal Shem Tov, Zatzal.
B) Those guys from ZZ Top.
C) A recently discovered lost Indian tribe.
D) Litvaks.

NN: I would have to say A, Martin.

MB: Is that your final answer?
NN: Yes.
MB: Your absolute final answer?
NN: Yes.
MB: Your absolutely finally final finale answer?
NN: Want me I should smack you?MB: No, because you are CORRECT!
NN: Yay.
MB: And now, for $200, here it is:

2. What exactly are Litvaks?

A) Anyone caught within a 3 mile radius of Chaim Berlin.
B) Anyone caught within a 30 mile radius of Lakewood.
C) Anyone caught within a 300 mile radius of Lithuania.
D) Yeshivish people.

NN: I would say D.
MB: Is that your final answer?
NN: Yes.
MB: You're sure?
NN: Want me I should call the Shomrim on you?
MB: Not necessary, because you are CORRECT!
NN: Yay.

MB: Now for $300, here it is:

3. 'Takeh epes gradeh b'di-eved l'choirah gevaldig tzigedacht' is an example of what?

A) Severe head trauma,
B) A drunken stupor.
C) An incurable stutter.
D) Yeshivishe reid.

NN: That would be D.
MB: Is that your final answer?
NN: YES!
MB: CORRECT! And bli ayin horah you still have all your lifelines intact!

So for $500, here we go:

4. What is the most popular underwear for chasidim?

A) Boxers.
B) Briefs.
C) Boxer-briefs.
D) Rabeinu Taam Gatches.

NN: That one's easy, D
MB: You're RIGHT! Was that your final answer?
NN: You're getting on my nerves.
MB: It's my job! Now then, here it comes for $1,000:

5. What is the typical way a Boro Parker starts a conversation?

A) Whazzzzzzzzzzzzzzup?
B) HaYOOdoin??
C) Como esta?
D) Nu, so tell me something.

NN: I would say the answer is D.
MB: Is that your fina-
NN: YES! And it's interesting, most of the answers are D.
MB: That's because I have to set up the punchline.

Now for $2,000, here it comes!:

6. How do you say the word 'cucumber' in Yiddish?

A) Kartofel
B) Tzibileh
C) Igerkeh
D) Gebeks

NN: A is Potato(e)s, B is onions, D is cake, so Igerkeh must mean 'Cucumber'
Final answer.

MB: Would that be your final answer?
NN: Didn't I just say that?
MB: Oh, you did. Sorry. And you're right!

Now for $4,000, here it is:

7. Which of the following is NOT a Yiddish word?

A) Ibergebliben.
B) Nechtigentoog.
C) Rishvoolkeh.
D) Hoisentrageh.

NN: That's a trick question! Nechtigentoog is TWO words! Aha! Gotcha! My answer is B.

MB: Good thinking, Naftooleh! You are absolutely diddly doodly final answerly correct!
NN: I'm gonna shoot you when this game is over.
MB: Is that a threat?
NN: Yes.
MB: You think you could take me?
NN: Yes.
MB: You want a piece of me?
NN: SHOMRIM!
MB: No wait! I'll behave!

Okay, for $8,000, here it is:

8. What imaginary creation do Boro Parkers believe in that the rest of humanity does not?

A) Santa Claus.
B) The tooth fairy.
C) Leprechauns.
D) The eiruv.

NN: I would have to say the answer is D.
MB: Your answer is D
NN: My answer is D.
MB: Not A, B, or C?
NN: Not A, B, or C.
MB: So it's D as in doughnut? As in disaster? As in.....
NN: CHAPTZ EM!
MB: Okay, okay, that's the last time I annoy you.

Now for $16,000, here it comes:

9. What is NOT the correct definition of the word Nissan?

A) The first month of the Jewish new year.
B) The manufacturer of the Maxima.
C) The Yiddish plural of the word 'nuts'.?
D) A Jewish first name.

NN: Hmmmm, this looks like another trick question. I'll say 'A' because the first month of the year is Nissan, but the first month of the NEW year is Tishrei. Almost got me there.
MB: You're absolutely right!
NN: Pshew!

MB: Now for $32,000, here you go:

10. What are the real names of Bob Dylan, George Burns, Kirk Douglas, & Mel Brooks?

A) Bob Dylanovitch, Joel Bernstein, Isidore Hoffman, & Melvin Brookman.
B) Robert Zimmerman, Nathan Birnbaum, Isser Demsky, & Melvin Kaminsky.
C) Bernie Dylman, Jacob Birnbaum, Kirk Levitch, & Martin Brookstein.
D) Robert Zimmer, Nathan Burns, Israel Kubelsky, & Milton Cohen.

NN: Oy vey iz mir. Okay, let me think about this for a minute. This is a tough one.
MB: Is that your final answer?
NN: I'm going to ignore that.
MB: You know you still haven't used any of your lifelines.
NN: When I'm done with you, YOU'LL be begging for a lifeline!

Now I think I heard somewhere that Dylan's real name is Zimmerman, so I'm guessing B

MB: It's a good guess! And you win $32,000! Now for $64,000, here it comes:

11. Why did the Lubavitcher cross the road?

A) To get to the other side.
B) To avoid the treif Brooklyn Museum of Art on his way to 770.
C) To be mikarev the chicken.
D) Why not?

NN: As we all know, any Jewish question can be answered with 'Why not'? D is my final answer.
MB: It's a good one! You win $64,000! Are you ready for the next question?
NN: Yes I am, Martin!
MB Then here we go for $125,000!:

12. Where does the term 'Yeki' come from?

A) Spanish Jews of old were Yak herders, hence, 'Yeki'
B) It is the Hungarian term for 'Jew.
C) German Jews were the first to wear short jackets, Yeki' means 'Jacketpeople'.?
D) 'Yeki' is an old version of a Jewish 'Krechtz,' much like 'Oy'.

NN: Would you believe this was discussed at a shiur I went to last week? I think the answer is C.
MB: Hey Nooteh.
NN: Yuh?
MB: You're right!
NN: Hooha! Yoy, I'm getting nervous now.
MB: You better be! Because here comes the $250,000 question!:

13. Approximately how many chasidim live in the entire New York City area?

A) 34,000.
B) 98,000.
C) 165,000.
D) 283,000.

NN: The answer is C, Martin.
MB: How do you know that?
NN: I did some quick math.. I know about half the Chasidim here, so I just doubled the number!
MB: Well, your math is good, you win $250,000!

And here is your $500,000 question!:

14. Why do Jews 'vinch' for people to live 120 years?

A) Because Moshe Rabeinu lived 120 years.
B) Because Rabbi Akiva lived 120 years.
C) Because Noah's Ark took 120 years to build.
D) Why not?

NN: You're not going to get me with the 'Why not' question. The actual answer, I believe, is C.
MB: Are you sure? What's your reasoning?
NN: The dor hamabel was given 120 years for teshuva. We vinch our friends that time to do the same.
MB: You know, this game show started out funny and is suddenly turning into an intellectual discourse. Not only that, you're absolutely right!

And finally, here we go, here it is, here it comes. For $1,000,000!:

15. What exactly ARE the 'Five Town'?

A) Bell Harbor, Lawrence, Atlantic Beach, Inwood, Woodmere.
B) Far Rockaway, Inwood, Lawrence, Hempstead, Hewlet.
C) Plainview, estbury.
D) Hewlet, Woodmere, Lawrence, Cedarhurst, Inwood.Lawrence, Cedarhurst, Woodmere, W

NN: Oy vey! I have no idea! I think I'm going to use a lifeline. I'm going to poll the audience.
MB: Ok then, audience, using your clicker thingie, choose which answer you think is correct.
NN:
MB: Okay, and here are the results of the audience poll!:

A) 25%
B) 25%
C) 25%
D) 25%

NN: Oy gevalt. I need another lifeline. I'd like to phone my chaver, Yankel Shmeel Kollelmasmid.

MB: Okay, let's see if our friends from AT&T can find Yankel.

AT&T: Ring ring!

MB: Hello Yankel?

YS: Who is this?

MB: It's Martin Bodek, from 'Who Wants to Marry a Boro Park Millionaire'?

YS: Voos hertz zich?

MB: Ales gitz, your friend Nooteh Naftooleh is stuck on a million dollar question and needs your help.
YS: Tell him I'm in middle of a shvereh mishneh and I have no time.
MB: But he's depending on you!
YS: Too bad, Torah is the iker.
NN: I'm going to kill him, but before I do that, I'm going to take the 50/50.
MB: Okay computer, please take away 2 of the wrong answers, leaving two correct:

A)
B) Far Rockaway, Inwood, Lawrence, Hempstead, Hewlet.
C)
D) Hewlet, Woodmere, Lawrence, Cedarhurst, Inwood.

NN: I'm going to have to guess.'D.'
MB: D?
NN: D.?
MB: D - bist gerecht! You get to marry a Boro Park Millionaire!
NN: Woohoo!
MB: Shprintzy Krasi Roizy Genendel Teitelbaum, meet your new chosson!

NN: It's love at first sight!

MB: But she's hideous!

NN: Who says money can't buy love?

MB: Darva Conger and Rick Rockwell!

NN: But their marriage is getting annulled. Yiden can't do that.
MB: Oh, well good luck then! And there you have it folks.

Stimulus Explained

This is an important subject for the entirety Klal Yisroel. The economy affects everyone. My friend Bonnie Slotnick sent the following to my wife, Annie. It is a must read primer on the what it is and what to do with it. - HM

This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV Set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how best to help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs. If you purchase a computer it will go to India. If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic). If you buy a car it will go to Japan. If you purchase useless garbage it will go to Taiwan.

If you pay your credit cards off, it will go to bank management bonuses and they will hide if offshore. Same with stock investment.

Instead, you can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spending it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only American businesses still operating in the US.

With Friends Like These...

The blog, Circus Tent is run by the son of an old Chicago acquittance of mine. This fellow is a Lubavitcher although his parents are not. About a year ago when I was writing about some of the problems I saw with Lubavitch. He contacted me and we discussed the issues involved

In the course of those private discussions we became friends and he revealed his identity to me. But now I am beginning to wonder just what this friendship really means. In yesterday's guest post I was viciously attacked. And the comments that followed were even worse. Here is my comment back to him:

My, my my.

This is quite revealing. I didn't know there was so much 'love and understanding' by your friends about me. Except for one or two rather gallant defenders, almost every other comment was completely vile.

And you Mr. 'Tzig' (alias of the blog-owner) allowed this drivel?! You forget that I know who you are. And I could easily expose you. But don't worry, I won't do that.

I have never written one negative word about you nor would I even consider allowing others to do so. But you not only allowed it - you allowed unbelievably nasty comments to be made.

I have not written anything negative about Lubavitch in many months since there has been nothing to write about. But that doesn't stop Mr. Gurewicz from writing a most hateful essay.

I don't know where all his hate comes from. Maybe it's because I chided him a while back about sending his daughter to the Meshichist high school here in Chicago - I don't know. But I will be sure to mention this to him next time I see him in the Lubavitch Shul here - Bnei Reuven where I Daven twice a day as the Shaliach Tzibur.