Finding Happiness - Gay People, Sex, and Marriage

He's gay. She's straight. (Washington Post)

One of the most difficult challenges that an Orthodox Jewish gay person must endure is finding a way to live a fulfilling life without satisfying his sexual urges. Satisfying them would constitute a major violation of Halacha. The sexual act most identified with male homosexuality is considered an abomination and a capital offense in the Torah. And yet, to say that this seems unfair to a gay man is an understatement.

This is why far-left Modern Orthodox rabbis twist themselves into pretzels trying to figure out how to religiously ‘justify’ a gay lifestyle. Even to the point of officiating at same-sex marriage ceremonies.

To say that this is not OK is also an understatement. Using tortured logic to provide a non-existent Halachic imprimatur to a lifestyle that will surely involve one of the gravest sins in Jewish law is, in and of itself, an abomination. Which, as I have said in the past, takes one out of the realm of Orthodoxy.

The rationalization made by these rabbis is based on their misplaced empathy. Which is that the societal persecution gay people have long suffered has often forced them to live lives of severe degradation often leading to clinical depression. And in far too many cases it has eventually led to suicide. Thus, they might argue that providing them comfort and support is a matter of pikuach nefesh (saving a life).

I have always maintained that one must have empathy for people who struggle with these issues and NEVER persecute or denigrate them. They are to be treated with the same human compassion as anyone else, regardless of any Halachic challenges they must overcome. But having compassion and empathy is not the same as celebrating or blessing a lifestyle that will inevitably involve sexual acts considered to be an abominable capital offense by the Torah

That would be like saying we feel sorry for someone who has an insatiable desire for a cheeseburger to the point of despair if he doesn’t get one - and therefore we must give him one. If something is a forbidden act, it cannot be permitted unless it is truly a matter of saving a life.

So, if a gay man cannot marry another man, what is he supposed to do? How can he ever find happiness in life?

What about marrying a woman anyway? Would that give him enough satisfaction in life in order to make up for the inability to fulfill his sexual urges?

The conventional wisdom says that it would be a disaster for a gay man to marry a heterosexual woman. It would end in tragedy for both husband and wife. To suggest such a solution, we are told, would be the height of irresponsibility, ruining two lives and gaining nothing but tragic consequences for all.

I used to believe that — even though I know of one such successful marriage. I was told that such cases are extremely rare. They are the quintessential ‘exception that proves the rule’.

Well, I am here to tell you that the conventional wisdom may not be all that wise after all. In fact, a gay man can marry a heterosexual woman, have children naturally, and live a happy life together. It is not only not impossible it is more common than one might think. So the only path to happiness for gay men may not lie in marrying another man. He can find it by marrying a heterosexual woman and living a monogamous lifestyle.

That was, in fact, the point of a Washington Post feature article, which described the following:

Samantha Wynn Greenstone knows her husband is gay, okay?
She knew he was gay when they met in a San Diego production of “Fiddler on the Roof.” She knew he was gay when he proposed. She knew he was gay when they got married in November.

He’s not bisexual. She’s not in denial. That hasn’t stopped them from being in a committed, monogamous relationship for nearly 10 years.

“If anything, I think we are taking the sanctity of marriage to a whole new level,” said Greenstone, 38, smiling widely as she sat beside her husband, Jacob Hoff, 32, at their home in Los Angeles…

Yes, she’s pregnant. Yes, it’s his. And yes — if you must know how they conceived — in Greenstone’s words, “we birds’d and we bees’d.”

Indeed. And they are not alone. This appears to be a new trend among some gay people, as indicated by the article’s subtitle:

A new crop of couples are making content about their mixed-orientation marriages, divorced from sexual attraction but not from love

Here’s the thing: when a gay man marries a heterosexual woman under the pretense that he too is heterosexual — when in fact he is not — that’s when the consequences can be tragic. But when a man and a woman fall in love, wish to live together as husband and wife, have children, and are honest about their sexual issues, that is an entirely different ballgame that seems to make all the difference in the world.

Many gay people complain that prejudice against children being raised by a loving gay couple is unfair. I would argue that it isn’t always prejudice that motivates such concern. Rather, it is the idea that a child will lack a parent who models the missing gender in the relationship. A child with two fathers will be missing out on what it means to have — and to be — a mother. I’m not saying that it’s the end of the world, but it is far from ideal.

By contrast, when a gay man marries a heterosexual woman and is honest about his orientation, the result can look very much like the couple in the Washington Post story.

What does all this mean? I believe it means that celebrating gay marriage on the grounds that the alternative is devastation is simply not true. There are, obviously, other alternatives that allow for a very happy life despite these challenges. One can live a happy, meaningful life as a gay man married to a heterosexual woman in a monogamous relationship, having children by natural means.

This should disprove once and for all the argument from empathy — that we must devise extremist reinterpretations of Halacha to permit gay men to live together and raise children. Doing so merely indulges their desires and accomplishes little else. Instead, they should be encouraged to marry and find the kind of true happiness that 32-year-old Jacob Hoff has and many like him have found.